Hi all,

I just made an account so I could post this, after reading some of the excellent advice on other threads.

I am in my 4th year of teaching orchestra. My mental health was never the best throughout my teen and college years, but it took a steep decline last year, and has taken another hit this fall with the passing of my mom on August 13th this year (the first day of school). My diagnosis is somewhere between major depressive disorder and bipolar II, although there is no definitive at this point (the bipolar aspect has been a recent development). I'm both on medication and attending therapy twice a month, neither of which seem to be helping (although who knows how bad it would be without it).

I feel so worthless and ineffective in the classroom. I've started having panic attacks during the school day where I feel paralyzed, and I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, whatever that is. As soon as I get home from work, I just want to go to sleep - I have been trying to make myself go on walks and volunteer once a week at the animal shelter, but work is racing through my mind constantly. I can't even escape in my dreams, as they are frequently focused on work and so realistic I almost can't tell them apart from reality. Since I teach orchestra, I have to be up in front and energetic for every single class, from 5th grade to high school.

I am starting to feel that my students would be better off with any other teacher - even if it wasn't a music teacher. I know that the consequences for quitting in the middle of the year are huge; that it impacts student learning, that I'll likely never get a teaching job again, that I'll have to face all the people in my small town knowing I'm a "quitter," among other things. Even with all those things in mind, it's starting to look like it would be the best for me, the district, and my students.

I feel so burned out, lost, and just down all the time. Does anyone have any advice for me? Either what I should do generally, or any tips for surviving a mental health crisis while working? Or has anyone had a similar experience and had it improve over time? Should I just try to hang in there? Am I being totally selfish?

Thank you all for any help, sympathy, advice, whatever you can offer. I appreciate it so much.